If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
