Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
