They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
