I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
