Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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