i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
