Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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