I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
