Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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