you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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