I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
