Ambien. No doubt about it.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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