I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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