running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I AM VODKA MAN
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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