I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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