i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
