happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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