Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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