If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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