I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
