Three words: puerto rican gang bang
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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