I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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