I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
