You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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