I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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