stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
