I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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