i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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