i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dear god my vagina.
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