I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
