I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize