I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
