can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I wear drunk well.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
