the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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