Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
