If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
