I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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