dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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