just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
