1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
