my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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