am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
