We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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