Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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