Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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