Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
