I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
