If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
