we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
