my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
