Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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