God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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