apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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