she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
