3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
