In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
