I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
