I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
