we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
