Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
MIDGETS
????
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
