He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
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