I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
