Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
